How to Talk to Your Parent About Their Drinking

The conversation you are dreading is shorter and simpler than the one you have been rehearsing. You do not have to convince your parent they have a problem, get them to admit it, or get them to agree to anything. You have to tell them what you have noticed, tell them you care, and put one concrete option on the table. Then you have to leave the door open. That is the whole job for the first conversation, and there will probably be more than one. Here is how to prepare, what to say, what not to say, and how to handle the responses you are most likely to get.

Before you say anything

Pick the moment

Sober, private, unhurried. Not at a holiday, not in the car, not after the third glass, and not on the phone at nine at night when the calls have already started to slur. A weekend morning over coffee is often the best you will get. If your parent lives far away, plan the visit around it rather than tacking it onto the end of a trip.

Decide what you actually want

"I want Mom to stop drinking" is a wish, not a goal for a conversation. Something you can achieve in twenty minutes is "I want her to know I've noticed and that I'm worried, and I want her to agree to mention it to her doctor." Pick something that small. If you get more, wonderful. If you get only that, you have succeeded.

Have one concrete option ready

This matters more than people expect. "You should get help" puts the entire burden of figuring out what help means on a person who is already defensive. "I found a program where you'd talk to a coach on the iPad once a week from your kitchen, and I'd help you set it up" is something a person can say yes to. It might be a doctor's appointment you have already looked into, a counselor who takes their insurance, or a peer coaching program that comes to the house. Research it before you sit down, so the answer to "well, what would I even do?" is not silence.

How to open

Lead with love, then with something specific you have observed. Specific observations are hard to argue with; general labels invite a fight. If you are not sure what you are seeing adds up to, our guide on signs your parent may have a drinking problem can help you sort it out first.

• "Dad, I love you, and I need to say something that's hard for me. I've noticed you've been unsteady in the evenings, and last month you fell. I'm scared."

• "Mom, I'm not here to lecture you. I've noticed the wine has gone from a glass at dinner to most of the bottle, and I've noticed you seem down. I wanted to ask you about it instead of just worrying."

• "I've been thinking about this for a while and I didn't know how to bring it up, so I'm just going to say it. I'm worried about how much you're drinking, and I want to help."

Then stop and let them respond. Silence is uncomfortable. Sit in it anyway.

What not to say

Do not use the word alcoholic in the first conversation. It is a label your parent has spent years defining themselves against, and it will end the discussion. Do not list every incident from the last five years; pick one or two. Do not compare them to a relative who "really" had a problem. Do not threaten anything you will not follow through on. Do not have the conversation with siblings lined up behind you like a tribunal; that is the confrontational model, and in the one controlled trial that compared approaches, it got far fewer people into treatment than the warm, strategic approach did (Miller, Meyers and Tonigan, 1999). And do not apologize for raising it. You are allowed to be worried about your parent.

Scripts for the responses you will probably get

"I'm fine. I've got it under control."

Do not argue the point. "Okay. I hope that's true. I'm telling you what I see, and what I see worries me. Would you be willing to mention it to Dr. Patel at your next visit, just so someone with a medical view has weighed in?" You have not conceded, and you have asked for something small.

"I've earned it. I'm 73. Let me enjoy myself."

"You have earned it. I'm not trying to take anything from you. The thing is, your body doesn't handle it the way it did at 50, and that's what scares me." That last part is true. Older adults are more sensitive to alcohol's effects on balance, coordination, and attention, and can reach a higher blood alcohol concentration from the same drinks because of reduced muscle mass and body water (NIAAA). You do not need to quote the science at them. You just need to know it is on your side.

Anger

"How dare you. After everything I've done for you." Do not match it. "I'm not attacking you. I can tell this landed badly and I'm sorry it hurt. I'm going to drop it for today. I love you, and I'm not going anywhere." Then actually drop it for today. Anger in the first conversation is common and it is not the final answer. People often come back to what you said once the sting wears off.

Tears

Tears are usually a better sign than anger, even though they feel worse. It means something got through. "I know. I'm not mad at you, and you don't have to fix everything right now. Can we just look at one thing together?" Then offer the option you prepared.

"It's none of your business."

"You're right that it's your life. It's also my life when I get the call that you've fallen. I'm asking because I'd rather have an awkward conversation now than a worse one later."

Why the specific, low-pressure option works

The family approach with the best evidence, called CRAFT, is built on making help easy to say yes to and on rewarding the sober moments rather than punishing the drinking ones. In a randomized trial of 130 family members, CRAFT got 64 percent of drinkers into treatment within six months, compared with 30 percent for a confrontational intervention and 13 percent for Al-Anon facilitation (Miller, Meyers and Tonigan, 1999). One of CRAFT's practical lessons is timing: people are most open right after a consequence and when they are sober, and the family member who already has an option in hand can act in that window. An option that asks little (one appointment, one video call from the kitchen) lowers the cost of saying yes, and a yes to something small tends to lead to a yes to something larger.

After the conversation

Whatever happened, you did the hard part. Now the work is patience. Keep the door open by not turning every phone call into a check-in. Notice and enjoy the sober times: the clear-headed Sunday lunch, the morning call that sounds like your mother again. That warmth is the reinforcement CRAFT is built on, and it does more than any lecture. Stop cushioning the consequences, too. If Dad misses the family dinner because of the night before, do not pretend it did not happen, and do not cover for him with the grandkids.

Come back to it in a few weeks, or sooner if there is an opening. "I've been thinking about what we talked about. That coaching program I mentioned, they'd do a call with both of us first if you wanted. No commitment." Each time, keep it short, keep it warm, and keep the option specific. Our guide on how to help a parent with alcoholism covers what comes next if they say yes, and SMART Recovery Family & Friends teaches CRAFT in free meetings if you want to learn it properly.

When it cannot wait

Some situations need a doctor now rather than a conversation later. If your parent drinks heavily every day and decides to stop, do not let them do it alone; NIAAA warns that stopping abruptly after prolonged heavy drinking "can go into a painful or even potentially life-threatening process of withdrawal" and should be medically supervised (NIAAA). Repeated falls, new confusion, or drinking on top of sedatives, opioids, or sleep medication are reasons to call their physician this week, since alcohol can make medications "not work properly or make them dangerous or even deadly" (NIAAA). If your parent talks about not wanting to be here anymore, call or text 988, or 911 if they are in immediate danger. For treatment referrals, the SAMHSA National Helpline is 1-800-662-4357.

Looking after yourself

This is draining, and it tends to fall on one child more than the others. Al-Anon exists for exactly this and has online meetings most days. Families of Accountable members join a weekly family Zoom group where other adult children are working through the same thing. And if your parent does say yes, the program is built so you can step back: a certified peer coach does the weekly sessions, the at-home breathalyzer and saliva screening do the checking, and your parent chooses whether you see the results. You get to go back to being their kid. To talk it over before you sit down with them, you can check coverage or call the care team at (646) 450-7641.

Common questions

Should my siblings be there?

Usually not for the first conversation. One calm person is easier to hear than three. Agree among yourselves beforehand on what you have all noticed and who will speak, so your parent does not get three different versions in one week.

What if my parent is a doctor, or was, and knows more than me?

You are not there to out-argue them on the medicine. "You know the science better than I do. I'm telling you what I see" is enough.

How many times will I have to do this?

Probably more than once. Most people need a few conversations, and the second and third are usually shorter and less awful than the first.

What if they agree and then nothing happens?

That is normal. Take the yes at face value and make the next step as easy as possible: book the appointment, set up the call, sit with them for the first one. Momentum is your friend.

Sources

• Miller WR, Meyers RJ, Tonigan JS. Engaging the unmotivated in treatment for alcohol problems: a comparison of three strategies for intervention through family members. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology. 1999;67(5):688-697. Summarized in Meyers RJ, Smith JE, Lash DN. A Program for Engaging Treatment-Refusing Substance Abusers into Treatment: CRAFT. International Journal of Behavioral Consultation and Therapy. 2005;1(2):90-100.

• National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. Older Adults.

• National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. Treatment for Alcohol Problems: Finding and Getting Help.

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. 988lifeline.org.

• Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. SAMHSA National Helpline, 1-800-662-4357.

• Al-Anon Family Groups. al-anon.org.

• SMART Recovery. SMART Recovery Family & Friends.