Rachel's Story: Not All Change Is Bad - Grief Into Grace

I am from Ohio in the Appalachian Mountains. My hometown has been largely associated with the local university, rated as a top 10 “party school” throughout most of my life. I grew up an only child with loving, divorced, parents that emphasized structure and education as they both worked at the school. I struggled to fully appreciate the opportunities in my life. Many of my peers lived in the surrounding counties heavily impacted by generational poverty and substance abuse. Lack of certainty and confidence combined with poor mental health made the "partying" lifestyle appealing and easy. I mistook that for familiarity, freedom and comfort.

I could say I "should not be here", but that takes away from the grace given to me in entering into recovery. I "could not be here" feels more appropriate after overdoses, grief, declining physical and mental health and a traumatic brain injury.

I experienced loss of several friends to suicide and substance use for most of those years, along with my first fiance of 11 years. I would say that was the first step in realizing that I was not “having fun” anymore, but that “I have a real problem”. Substance use ruled every first thought in my head beginning in my teenage years, although I realize that I truly let go during that loss. I allowed a former significant other back into my life after that event and through domestic violence and substance abuse I lost the remaining hold I knew of my life. I freely gave away anything and everything that was of real importance to me. Eventually an argument turned into a neck broken in five places with skull fractures and a traumatic brain injury. I quickly felt entitled to more drugs and alcohol, as I’d lost the only concept of who I thought I was as a result. After another incident I finally reported the violence in the home and mustered up the strength to testify against him in court.

I strongly believe that if I had not been drowning in substance abuse, that these events would not have taken place. This was the beginning of me learning to actually love myself outside of fear. I used every avenue I had available, legal and personal. Even still, I continued to struggle through the Opiate Epidemic and would take anything else I could get my hands on along the way. I fell deeper, eventually facing a felony conviction. I was granted treatment in lieu of conviction and still did not fully comprehend what I was playing with each time I continued to use. After an overdose requiring 6 doses of Narcan and a last ditch effort of Epinephrine, I woke up on the floor and learned that the incident had violated my parole. I was told I was going to prison. I finally realized I truly needed someone else’s help. I went to residential treatment for six months. Nothing about that was easy! All of the trauma that I experienced off and on since age 6 came pouring out. Thankfully, they were patient with me and I began to learn who I actually am under all of the chaos and misery. Today I get to build upon that foundation!

Eventually I began working for the same rehab I attended as a house monitor leading to several additional experiences with new treatment centers rising from case manager and then a counselor. I met my wonderful husband who is also from my hometown. Gratefully, we somehow never met until we were both in recovery. We still learn about life together every day. After seven years away from home I was willing to give it my all and move back home to be close to family. It was scary. I really had to face myself, my mental health and my trauma, completely. I was hired by an OTP-Harm Reduction clinic and from January 2022 to June 2026 as a counselor. I learned an entirely new level of humility and gratefulness from their patients. It is amazing to see people fight for themselves and find appreciation for others in the process. I am grateful to every person of recovery that I have had the benefit of meeting over the years. They all poured into me when they certainly did not have to! I know it was in a plan for me to take these exact steps to become the blessed individual I am today!