I grew up in a chaotic household where I never learned to feel safe. There was abuse from as early as I can remember throughout my teenage years. As a child, the best reasoning I could come up with was that it was somehow my fault, there was something wrong with me, and if I could only do better, things wouldn't be the way they were. I carried that guilt and shame with me for years.

When I was 11, I tried alcohol for the first time and immediately found relief from the emotional pain I felt and the constant noise in my head. I quickly decided that feeling was what I wanted, and I didn't know where else to find it other than in alcohol. I soon realized that it was a temporary fix, and the second I was sober all of those emotions, feelings, and thoughts came rushing back... this started the cycle of addiction. I started hanging out with people that were much older than me and was introduced to drugs. By the time I was 14, I was addicted to heroin and cocaine and found myself in my first residential facility.

This cycle continued on until I was 16. I had no interest in stopping and truly did not see the problem. I understood it was dangerous, but for me this was the only peace I had found and truly my only reason to live. I got pregnant at 16 and this was a wake up call. For the first time in life I had something to live for other than drugs, and I made a resolve to stay sober and to truly try for my daughter. This was the first time I experienced the war that is addiction. I truly wanted to stay sober and white knuckled it for 2 years. I loved my daughter with all my heart and having her gave me a purpose. I wanted to do better for her so badly, but the thoughts of getting high plagued me everyday and it felt like an all day, every day battle just to stay sober.Eventually, I relapsed. Things only got worse and I tried every drug under the sun and did whatever I needed to do to make sure I could get more. When my daughter was 5 I lost custody of her, became completely homeless, and lost all contact with my daughter and family. 

At this point I gave up the appearance that I had any control over using and gave up on trying to get clean whatsoever. I submitted to the idea that I was just going to be on drugs until I eventually died, and lost all hope. Those years of being homeless and on drugs were some of the worst, most traumatizing years of my life, but looking back, I truly believe experiencing the full pain of addiction was what I needed to know that I never wanted to touch substances again.

When I finally hit my rock bottom, I was having seizures everyday from overdosing, owned nothing but the clothes on my back, and hadn't talked to my daughter or family in over a year. I had been researching a long term, faith based program to go to, began praying, and somehow knew that God had bigger plans for my life if I would just trust in him. I had tried dozens of different treatment programs, but I stuck and I stayed with this one for all nine months and successfully graduated. While I was there I surrendered my life to God, asked him to take the desire to use away from me, took responsibility for my actions, and began the process of healing from the trauma that led to my addiction to begin with. 

Today, I have been clean and sober for 5 years. It is no longer a daily battle or fight to try and stay clean. I have found so much purpose and feel grateful everyday for this amazing life I have been blessed with. My daughter and I have been reunited, and she gets to see me as the clean and sober mom she deserves. I am married to a wonderful man and also have a son who will never have to see his mom in addiction. The highlight of my life is getting to pour out and help other people get free from addiction. Not every day is easy, and it was a long hard journey to get to where I am today, but I have learned that as long as I remain humble, rely on God, and stay rooted in gratitude I will continue moving forward in the beautiful life I have now.