My name is Eric and I grew up on the Jersey Shore where I still live today. My recovery journey started in 2017 but my most recent new life began on October 1st of 2022. I was born with a life threatening heart condition 3 months premature to two parents who were doing the best thing they could with what they had. I always had what I needed but didn't have a “normal” family dynamic by any means. They loved me the best way they knew how all the while dealing with their own demons. I joke that addiction, mental health issues and alcohol don't just run in my family but it sprints like it's training for a triathlon. It goes back generations and generations.

For as long as I can remember I was always full of fear, anger, sadness, shame and guilt. I didn't know what these feelings were at a young age but I knew I never felt like enough. I always felt like this world wasn't meant for me but was meant for everybody else. I was always looking for external solutions to my internal problems when in reality I just wanted to feel like I was a part of something.

I was a scrawny little kid with a bowl cut and bucked teeth and making friends did not come easy. I got picked on and bullied a lot when I was a child but I welcomed it because I felt like I didn't deserve any better. I went to a small catholic school where there were maybe 8-10 kids per class. School certainly wasn't my strong suite either. I would spend most my day daydreaming about being someone or anywhere else except my current situation. It was my way of escaping.

As a kid I did everything to excess that wasn't productive. I would binge eat junk food and play video games and would go to any lengths to get what I needed. I wasn't allowed to play sports, go outside or have sleep overs like the other kids did because of my heart so I had to resort to isolation and I was okay like that. Being alone works for me. I know it all too well. 

By the time middle school came around I was pulled out of catholic school because of academic and behavioral issues so I was put in public school. I made a promise to myself I would no longer be the friendless, goofy, loser anymore and completely reinvent myself. I eventually gravitated towards the kids who were fighting, smoking, vandalizing and causing the most chaos because I know chaos all too well. It was familiar for me and I can navigate it well. It made me feel like I was apart of something. People were paying attention to me, laughing at my jokes, girls were talking to me. It was all foreign but I embraced all of it. 

I started playing guitar around this time and fell in love with music, something that I still hold very close to me today. Its my favorite thing in the world but It was the first time I ever became addicted to something that was good for me. Playing guitar gave me a sense of purpose. I could this thing that not everybody could and I did it without the help of anybody. No lessons and no guidance. 

By the time 8th grade came around I started smoking pot and drinking. It started as a weekend thing but not on school nights, than a summer thing a few days a week and very shortly it became Erics thing. I could finally control how I was feeling for the first time in my life and I was willing to throw everything away for it,

As I entered High School, it was the only thing I cared about. I had joined some bands during this period but was too caught up in partying for it to go anywhere.  It was at the peak of the opiate epidemic and I had discovered opiates for the first time. It gave me a feeling I was searching for my whole life. Warm, content and comfortable. I watched those little pills destroy families, towns and lives all over the place but it didn't matter to me. 

By the time my mid 20s had rolled around I was a complete mess. I was heading towards death fast and I embraced it. I had burnt bridges with my friends and family and anybody else around me. DUIs and arrests were piling up. The fun had stopped many years prior but I could not live without it. At my peak I would wake up and take a handful of Percocet to get out of bed, a bag of coke to get through the day and drink myself to sleep. Rinse. Wash. Repeat.

I hit my first bottom on August 17,2017 and was willing to do whatever it took to get my life on track. After years of botched suicide attempts, rehabs, IOPs and homelessness, I was finally desperate enough to change.  I stopped everything cold turkey and it was the most painful mental, physical and spiritual experience I have ever gone through but I somehow got through it. I started attending AA meetings on my own accord and that program saved my life. My life started to take shape rather quickly. I got a good job making great money, started dating again, rekindled all my relationships, traveled the country and most importantly because a useful human being.

I started to get too busy for what was working for me around the time COVID showed up and ended up having a nasty relapse on Kratom. What started as something I did once or twice a week got its claws in me quick and took everything I had. I couldn't get off of it on my own so checked into treatment in 2022 after many failed attempts to get clean off it. 

My life is amazing today. I'm full of gratitude. I am able to have authentic relationships. I can be a friend, a brother, a son. I'm an active member in AA. I love my line of work and will be going to school to further my education in the field. I'm comfortable in my own skin and can look people in the eyes now. I can show up when I'm needed and always want to help. It took a few years for things to make sense and I still have my days/weeks/months but I know no matter what the sun will rise tomorrow and nothing is worth using over. I can now use my experience to instill hope in others. If I can do it, anybody can.