So many of us turn to substances in an attempt to numb or avoid the pain of feeling like who we are is somehow wrong or unacceptable. The specific thing that leads us to this feeling matters far less than the difficult, yet human, emotions and feelings we can find ourselves struggling with for years or decades. Being queer was one of the main sources of such feelings of unworthiness and negative self-perception that led me to struggle with and depend on a substance.

The first stirrings of my queerness emerged when I was twelve years old. The awareness of these feelings was followed by two separate suicide attempts. I then completely and totally repressed this elemental part of myself for decades. I did not do this consciously – my body and mind did it for me, no doubt as a protective measure. As a member of Gen X, I grew up hearing and absorbing the strong and clear message that being gay, or queer, was wrong and something one should be ashamed of. At the time of this writing, I’m grateful to have experienced progress with the younger generations being more open and accepting of the entire spectrum of sexuality and gender.

For most of my life, I drank alcohol in an attempt to both numb and escape the shame of being queer and the pain of hiding my true self. I wasn’t aware that I was doing this, I just knew I felt terrible about myself without knowing why. Even when I engaged in intimate experiences with women, they were fueled by alcohol and I found myself dismissing these encounters as just a bit of tipsy fun.

It was not until later in life when I came out as queer that I was able to start connecting the dots while simultaneously realizing just how harmful my drinking had become. I had been using alcohol to avoid hard or uncomfortable feelings like shame, hopelessness, rage, and confusion. Alcohol had also become my solution for quelling social anxiety, alleviating boredom, and having fun. It had essentially become my go-to elixir for any and all occasions and for dealing with my feelings.

When I reached the point where I could no longer ignore my queerness and the dominos of life changes began to fall, I was in a state of utter turmoil from all that followed from my finally choosing to claim this part of myself. From this dark place, I somehow knew that continuing to pour alcohol into the mix would not take me anywhere I wanted to go. I also knew that the pain (my own and the pain felt by others who had been affected by all the sudden changes) deserved to be felt and honored. It did not deserve to be avoided and numbed into oblivion no matter how tempting that might have been.

Finally accepting my true self and honoring my queerness ultimately led to me questioning my relationship with alcohol. I had been drinking to avoid pain but ironically that pain is what led me to finding and exploring sobriety. Discovering that I could navigate the pain, along with the myriad of emotions felt as part of the human experience, has been one of sobriety’s greatest gifts. Slowly learning how to not turn away from any part of myself has been another.

Feeling ashamed of who we are or feeling like there is something inherently wrong with us is some of the deepest pain we can experience. If you are struggling with these feelings, I promise you are not alone. If you are struggling with a substance to alleviate this pain, please know that there are ways to navigate through the pain. And I promise that you are worthy of love, connection, and support throughout your journey.