Can I Maintain Old Friendships After Getting Sober?

AJ Diaz • Jun 03, 2021

What about all of my old friends now that I'm sober?

I remember first getting sober and one of the most overwhelming thoughts that I had was “this is going to change everything.” At the time, being 24 years old, what this really meant to me was “this is going to change all of my friendships and I am going to be alone now.”

 

Getting sober at 24 is not how I drew it up in the sand. 


I always pictured being able to have fun and be with my friends. For me, fun equated to going out, drinking and having a good time. If I was honest though, when alcohol was involved, nothing was really that fun; at least for me that is. So, being that I was very raw, trying to figure things out, and had the “built-in forgetter,” I really was dismayed at what my future might look like. By the way – the “built-in forgetter” is the odd phenomenon of only remembering good times of drinking and using. Now, back to our story here…

 

I kept hearing that I needed to be mindful of people, places and things. 


What I digested from that was “stay away from everything, everyone and do nothing!” In reality, I knew that wasn’t true but that was really what it felt like. 


When it came to my friends, I knew that I didn’t want to change them, nor could I. It was not up to me to make decisions for them regarding how they went out and also none of them had a negative relationship to alcohol or any other substance. In a past post, I talked about how it was really important to me that no one changed who they were or what they did on my account. 


I already felt “othered” due to my sobriety and I didn’t want to exacerbate that. So, the big question remained…what happens to all of my old friends? My old relationships? 


When I look back now, making the decision to set a boundary for myself was the best thing I did. 


Interestingly enough, I don’t think that I made a conscious choice of “I need to stabilize myself before going back to hanging out with my friends.” To be honest, I don’t think I had enough insight to do that. What really happened was that I was afraid to hang out with them – there was just the overwhelming anxiety of being around alcohol. There was also the fear of reaching out to them – will they want to hang out with me? I had been gone for so long at that point due to my active use that I was worried that I had missed so much and therefore wouldn’t be able to be a part of the conversation.

 

Fast forward to now. This past weekend I spent time with three of my oldest childhood friends. I got to spend time with my one buddy, his wonderful wife and their beautiful daughter. We played golf, had a great lunch and it was like we hadn’t missed a beat. 


Now a lot of work went into being able to have that opportunity; mainly staying sober and putting to action a program of recovery. Another crucial thing was beginning the process of reaching back out to my friends when I felt comfortable; it was incumbent on me to make that first move. For me, it was a slow process. I did things one by one, reaching out individually and then doing so in groups. My friends are very intelligent people but even they can’t read minds – they needed to know that I was doing well and the only way for that to happen was to engage with them.   

 

When I get the question of what to do about old friends, I think the best answer I can give, based on my own experience, is to be patient. 


There is nothing that says you have to extricate everyone from your life. The most important thing is to stay sober, build a foundation of recovery and make sure that you are doing what is right for you. Whatever that may look like, it is important to keep the framework of sustaining your health and your recovery. Yes, I took time away from friends. It was difficult and it was odd. At the same time, if it wasn’t for those boundaries, I don’t think that I would have gotten to a place where I could re-engage those relationships again. In short, what happens to my old friends is that they stay in my life as long as I continue to prioritize my recovery, practice patience with myself and keep putting one foot in front of the other. 


Marking Women's History Month: A Reflection on Sobriety, Self-Acceptance, and Shaping My Legacy

By Nicole Benoist, CPS, CCAR • 29 Mar, 2024
As we conclude Women's History Month, I have been thinking about what being a woman means to me at this stage in life. In just a few weeks, I will (hopefully) enter my fourth year of sobriety, a journey that intersects with another milestone: my 50th birthday in November. Reflecting on the woman I have evolved into, I am at peace. The false sense of all-knowing that once dominated my youth has given way to a welcomed uncertainty. My heart is open to the possibilities that life has yet to unveil—undiscovered people, places, and experiences. The path ahead is a beautiful unknown; I'm meeting it with open arms. My sobriety has been transformative, illuminating the brighter paths in life while diminishing the darker trails. Most importantly, it has taught me that my history does not dictate my destiny. My journey through life has given me invaluable lessons about my limitations and the beauty of accepting them. The jewels of my existence—faith, family, career, a close circle of friends, and self-care—finally have the focus they deserve. Through forgiveness, I have learned to cultivate love and compassion for myself. I have discovered the strength to alter the course of my life through persistence, discipline, and patience. My spiritual connection has deepened in unimaginable ways, offering a new perspective on my relationship with God. The complex challenges of parenthood have revealed themselves as both the most demanding and rewarding endeavors of my life, underscoring the inevitability of imperfection. I've found vulnerability is not a weakness but a conduit to genuine connection, understanding, and profound love. As I navigate through life, the narrative of my personal history continues to unfold, prompting introspection about the legacy I aspire to leave behind. The impact of my place in the world becomes of utmost importance—what does legacy mean to me? This question often guides my advice to my children: "Did you leave that conversation, person, or situation better than you found it?" My ambition is that my legacy will be the sum of positive daily interactions and acts of kindness that collectively contribute to a more compassionate world. This reflection is not just a personal testament but a universal invitation to embrace the unknown with grace, to recognize the transformative power of self-acceptance, and to acknowledge the profound influence of individual actions on the fabric of our shared humanity.

Embracing Our Essence: A Women's History Month Reflection on Rediscovering and Celebrating Authentic Womanhood

By Ailish Abbate, PRC • 22 Mar, 2024
To all the women reading this, it's clear that the mantle of womanhood carries an immense burden. Our surroundings incessantly dictate the essence of being a woman, often presenting a paradox: to embody everything yet simultaneously embody the antithesis. The act of womanhood propels us far from our origins, to the extent of erasing the memory of our childhood streets. It nudges us toward oblivion, making us forget our desires, preferences, and identities. Navigating womanhood correctly seems an unattainable feat, pushing us to seek love, acceptance, and validation externally. I, too, succumbed to these norms of womanhood, adhering to expectations that dictated my body size, compliance, and emotional expression. I was taught that self-prioritization is selfish, that expressing emotions is overly dramatic, and that any display of humanity is frowned upon. I believed that to fit in, I had to diminish myself—altering my appearance, interests, and essence. In a world where self-love is an act of defiance, I desperately sought validation elsewhere. My encounter with drugs and alcohol falsely promised me inclusion into the desired mold of womanhood, allowing me to display the traits I believed were necessary. However, this pursuit led me to a breaking point, bending over backward to conform to an imposed standard. Sobriety became the key to liberating my true self, embarking on a journey back to my roots. It has allowed me to reconstruct the meaning of womanhood, celebrating qualities like compassion, strength, intelligence, bravery, sensitivity, and wisdom. The burdens I once bore have been replaced with profound gratitude for the honor of belonging to the extraordinary collective known as women. In celebration of International Women's Day, let's embrace the diversity and strength inherent in womanhood, forging a path of empowerment and self-discovery.

Breaking Barriers: Black History Month and the Intersection of Mental Health and Substance Use Disorder

By Nick Dansby, RCP • 23 Feb, 2024
February marks the celebration of Black History Month, a time to recognize the invaluable contributions of African Americans throughout history and today. Beyond the achievements and milestones, it’s imperative to shed light on the intersections of mental health within the black community. First-hand experience has exposed the gaps in access to treatment. Historical adversities like slavery and systemic exclusion from leverage, equity, inclusion and basic human rights have left a lasting impact, manifesting as socio-economic disparities and barriers to mental health treatment today. The Connection Between Black History and Mental Health: While mental health conditions don’t discriminate based on race, the challenges of accessing adequate mental health treatment are more common for people of color, particularly African Americans. Misdiagnosis, limited access to healthcare, and the scarcity of African American mental health professionals contribute to a significant disparity in mental health outcomes. After an unprovoked assault in 2017, I was told by a therapist that I had exhibited symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). However, the follow-up, specialist referral, an official diagnosis and treatment were all lacking. Key Trends: The statistics reveal a harsh reality. African American adults are 20% more likely to experience mental health issues than the rest of the population. Black young people face challenges in accessing mental health services compared to their white counterparts. Only 25% of African Americans seek treatment for mental health issues, in contrast to 40% of Caucasian individuals. Socioeconomic factors further propagate the situation, with those living below the poverty line being three times more likely to report severe psychological distress. The Role of Stigma and Lack of Representation: Misdiagnosis by healthcare professionals, societal stigma, and a shortage of black mental health practitioners contribute to the current plight of access to mental health resources in the black community. The underrepresentation of blacks in mental health professions, as highlighted by the statistics, creates a significant gap in culturally competent care. 6.2% of psychologists, 5.6% of advanced-practice psychiatric nurses, 12.6% of social workers, and 21.3% of psychiatrists are members of underrepresented groups. Remember my therapist who informed me about my PTSD? Well, she was also black. I’ve often wondered if she was equipped to complete a full diagnosis, with recommended treatment. Or did she face barriers in performing her professional duties? Paving the Way for Change: Black History Month serves as a reminder to work continually towards breaking down those barriers for the underrepresented, ensuring equal access to mental health and substance abuse resources. Notable figures like Dr. Solomon Carter Fuller, Dr. Paul Cornely, and Mamie Phipps Clark have paved the way for equitable healthcare, making significant contributions to psychiatry, public health, and psychology, respectively. A Call to Action: As Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. wisely stated, progress requires relentless forward movement. Beyond February, it is our collective responsibility to advocate for equal access and dismantle the barriers preventing adequate mental health care. By building awareness, supporting initiatives that promote inclusivity, and demanding change at all levels, we can contribute to a society where mental health is prioritized for everyone. And, hopefully, we may all experience a world where all voices of positive self advocacy are welcomed and encouraged. Sources: Excerpts and data used from Discoverymood.com, National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), American Psychological Association, American Psychiatric Association, and Plymouth Psych Group
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